Isaac is 6!

Isaac turned 6 years old on Saturday (May 19th)!!! Holy, how time flies!
We had a great day - able for the first time to have his party actually on his birthday. He chose a "jolly roger" cake, so a pirate theme it was. The kids came in the afternoon, we played some games (home made by Josh and I!), had cake and ice cream, opened presents, and whacked a pinata. Best of all, unlike last year, Isaac had fun and enjoyed his party!
(he liked his party last year, but got overexcited and overwhelmed before it even started, so it seemed the whole time like he wasn't having fun. he told us afterwards (a day or 2 afterwards!) that he liked it and did have fun. it seemed to help this year that Josh talked to Isaac and told him it wasn't his job to make sure everyone had fun, it was our job, he was just supposed to have a good day with his friends. not sure if that made all the difference, but it seemed to help.)
*pictures are coming, Josh is just busy figuring a few computer things out. and I haven't forgotten about the videos from Ruth's play, just haven't gotten them ready for uploading yet.


A couple things to update...

My Grammie is not doing any better. Levi and I are flying home on Wednesday to stay with my parents for a little while. It's hard to be leaving Josh and the kids, especially with the days coming up, but I'm glad for the chance to be able to go and not have to worry about things around here.

Josh got word last week that his job next year will be a half-time position at his current school and a half-time position at a hutterite colony near his school. So, still a full-time job, just spread out over the 2 places. That's better than we were expecting and should work out fine for travelling and whatnot for him.

Blue (Mat's dog) is still here. I think Mat is coming to stay on Wednesday (boo, I won't get to see him this time), just for a few days and then going back to Regina, with Blue, to do his production. Blue isn't a bad dog... but he's a heck of a lot more work than Myles! He's definitely making me rethink getting another puppy when Myles dies.

We've been battling a horrid cold for weeks around here (apparently strep was going around the school, not sure it wasn't that, but we're nearly all over it now). Isaac started while Mat was still here, so 3 weeks ago. Then it hit Levi, Zech, Josh, Ruth, and me as of the end of last week - I'm hoping not to be too stuffed up or crappy feeling for flying!

I do have one picture I can post now - Zech and Levi cuddling a couple weeks ago. ♥

3 months

Today it has been 3 months since Elliana was born.

It has been a melancholy day. Even reflected in the weather which has been cloudy, gray, and rainy all day. There has been no sunshine today.

We should be starting to get things set up, washed, ready for her impending arrival. Excited and anticipatory.
Instead, I will light her candle tonight. A tiny flame to remind us of that tiny "light", taken far too soon.

I need to get around to taking more photos. I think we have a couple from Easter, and I know I have a few videos from Ruth's school musical. I'll have to get them on the computer to share sometime this week.

As this year has gone (it's sucked, for the record), last week followed suit. The car did end up only being $95 to fix - much better than the few hundred we were preparing for.
But then we got a call from Josh's boss later in the week to let us know that the school will be losing a 1/2 position next year. Josh is lowest on the "totem pole" in the school - if anyone loses their job or gets transferred, it'll be him first. As of today, we know that he still has a job (the deadline for them letting us know of job loss is May 1st), but we do not know where that job will be.
There are various scenarios that may play out, some involve us needing to move, some involve getting closer to one coast or the other, and some would see us just staying where we are. We won't know what is happening for another while, though I do hope Josh's boss will let us know as soon as he knows.

In brighter news, we watched a wonderful thunderstorm out our picture window tonight. Who needs tv when there's a great storm?

stress, bathroom renos, and a visitor - 4.25

You know the saying "it doesn't rain, but it pours"?
It's true.
 After dealing with Elliana's death and birth (still dealing with it, always dealing with it in some ways) my Grammie is sick and in hospital. There's talk of moving her to a manor. I am sad that she is so sick, not able to do everything she wants to. I am sad she had to leave her home, something she hoped would never happen. I am sad that we are not closer, that we can't visit and I can't be there to help out.
I should be honest with myself. She isn't sick. She is dying. There isn't any getting better from this. I just wish I was there to see her. I wish she could see Levi - she was able to see the older 3 a few years ago when we were there, but hasn't ever seen Levi in person.

Adding to the fun of stress, yesterday Josh had an appointment and Zech had karate, while Ruth and Isaac had gymnastics. Josh picked up Zech from school and went to town, we got ready and went the opposite direction. I checked my phone when we got settled at the gym - 3 missed calls and a text from Josh saying "i need you to call me". So I did, of course.
We haven't heard the estimate yet, and don't know all the damage, but we do know that the rear wheel bearings are shot. Waiting on the estimate to see if it's worth fixing or not - the car is really on its last legs anyway, so we can't spend too much to fix it.
So, after gymnastics, instead of coming home for supper, we had to drive past our house to town to pick up Josh and Zech. Made for a long day and a late night. And much more stress on top of everything else.

You know, 2012 really sucks. I mean, so far anyway. I'm not sure there's anything that can happen to make up for how horrible it's been. I do hope it doesn't get worse. And I hope 2013 is a better, brighter year.


We are finally done the bathroom... almost. I've always heard that once you start a renovation you'll find these extra things that need to be done. So very true. But we're getting there. I can't believe the money it's taken for the smallest room in our house though! It will be funny to repaint the living room - the biggest room and it will cost less than the smallest!
But we're nearly there now. We've only got one edge of the tub (we're framing the surround) to get done. We would all ready be done it except the 3 tiles that we'd planned on working with and leaving decided to fall apart and off the wall while we were hammering nails on that wall. So, now the piece we'd measured and bought is, obviously, too short for that spot! And we'll have a bit of painting to do from that bit of mudding and sanding.
Then it's just a few touch-up spots, and the baseboards/trim still need to be painted (Josh is planning to get some paint and do an area at a time - I can't handle taping off and painting everything again right away!). And we need to find something for window covering in there. We've found tons of roman blinds in tan and beige and dark wood colors... but no luck finding a white one yet... which we want because the others are white. No huge rush on that though, the window isn't easily peeped into; you'd have to be really trying, to see anything.
We still haven't tackled the sink and vanity, or the doors and the floor. But we'll save that for another tax return time. For now, it looks a lot better in there. No more pink walls! And a new light fixture changes the look tremendously!

Just for the record, I'd much rather have what we were supposed to have right now - a big, bordering on huge, belly and awaiting the birth of a baby - instead of a freshly painted and nice looking bathroom... but, it is what it is.
There are many more good days than bad now. The kids mention Elliana, there's no doubt that they remember her and everything that's happened. But we talk about her and then continue on with our day.
I still haven't gotten a shelf put up for her things. I feel bad about that, like I'm not doing everything I can or should as her mommy.
You know, I think it's harder being mommy to a dead baby than for the living ones. There's not nearly so many chances to do things for her, in her memory. And what if we mess them up? We can't exactly get a redo or do better the next time.


In much happier news, Josh's brother, Mat, arrived last night. He's staying with us for a bit before going to Regina to rehearse for a production. We'll be dog-sitting for him while he rehearses. Everyone is excited to visit with Uncle Mat and Blue!

Speaking of plays, Josh is done with the town play - this is a very good thing! It's lovely not to have him gone to rehearsals all the time, missing bedtimes with the kids. I wasn't able to go see it, but I've heard that it went well and people enjoyed it.
Ruth is just about done with her school play as well. This afternoon they have a final dress rehearsal, with kids from a nearby school coming to watch, and tomorrow evening is the real deal. She's so happy that Uncle Mat is able to be here for it.

with days like these... - 04/14

We had to go to town today for some errands. Things seemed off to an okay start - everyone up at a decent time, fed and ready to go. We packed up and got in the van... only to find we had no keys. 2 sets between us and both sets in the house... doors locked. There is a spare key, but it hasn't made it outside - not much help. After walking around the house trying windows and doors, we ended up ripping out the screen in the bathroom window - it was torn and needed to be replaced anyway, now we definitely have to replace it! Josh lowered Zech through the window into the house, he unlocked the door right away. No harm done. Not including the window screen.
We pile back into the van and set off for town. Running errands here and there, including getting some new screen and a few supplies to replace some in the windows (including the bathroom!), and grabbing some paint samples to think on (finally getting the bathroom fixed up a bit).
We stopped at the medical clinic a bit before their closing time for Josh to get a new prescription for his nasal spray - something to help his snoring, thank goodness. The kids and I sat in the van and waited, Levi napping. When Josh came out, he got in and turned the key. Nothing. Nothing. And more nothing. The van wouldn't start, battery dead. A older man in a truck pulled in beside us - he checked, but didn't have his cables in the truck. We sat for a few minutes but noone else was around. We called a tow truck company and waited for one to arrive. Another older man came out of the clinic and got into one of the last vehicles in the parking lot. Josh jumped out of the van and asked the man about a boost. The man said he wasn't sure he had cables in his truck, but checked anyway. After a few minutes looking he did find them! A quick call to the tow company to let them know not to come after all (they seemed surprised about this - is that not normal to do?), a little rearranging of vehicles to reach batteries, and the van was running. We thanked the gentleman many times, the kids all yelled thank you. He said "That's what we're here for, to help each other, right?" It's nice to meet people like that.
So a day of errand-running turned into a very very long day. But we made it through and home, safe and sound.

While we were checking out somewhere the cashier commented that we had "a handful". Josh replied "Almost, but we're missing one."
Yes, we sure are. Always, every day. ♥

But this kid always makes us smile and laugh, every day. There's no holding back around him. He's adorable and so sweet.
But he needs a little work with markers!


For the record, those markers are not washable. I mean, the box says they are. But they aren't. The kid was marked up a for a good few days after this! And I know the box says crayons - we were smart enough to take the markers away before taking pictures... just not smart enough to keep them out of reach in the first place!

two months - 03/07

Two months ago today our Elliana Lucy was born. We said goodbye to our tiny baby girl after far too little time together.
There are pink tulips in our house this weekend. I know ours isn't the only house with them to remember.
Tonight we lit her candle. I will let it burn until we say goodnight; to remember those hours with our little light.

winter fair - 3.29

The kids are on spring break this week. We've done a lot of nothing so far, lazing around the house and playing - not a bad thing.
We spent yesterday at the winter fair in town, though. The kids had a good time; they all chose to save their allowance this month to take to the fair and buy something. In case you're wondering - Ruth bought a pink cowgirl hat (she's been wanting one for years), Zech bought a cowboy gun that shoots suction cup arrows, and Isaac bought a cowboys & indians toy set. All are being well used/worn and enjoyed. Levi did not buy something - he didn't seem to mind - but he loved all the tractors and animals (especially the horses and baby goats)!
A good day was had by all.
Oh, and at the evening show they had Acrobazia as special guests - amazing! Just wow.

There's no more major plans for the week. Isaac has been wanting to go to the movies ( just him and one of us) for months and months now, so Josh took him to see a matinee this afternoon - Suess' 'The Lorax'. Isaac really liked it, though he said the sad part was very sad and made a tear come in his eye. Sweet boy.
That's about the extent of our big spring break plans. Ruth does want to see if a friend can come over tomorrow for a sleepover - we'll see how that works out. And it's back to school for them on Monday. Although, really it's not much for back to school - back Monday to Thursday, Good Friday is a day off, then Monday and Tuesday are both PD days (days off). Another 5 day break!

Ice Show (3.16)

We've been having lovely weather (read: unseasonably warm... and wonderful!) the past couple weeks. Unfortunately it hit us the weekend before the Ice Show was to happen. We had above-zero temperatures and they were calling for highs in the teens through last week coming up to our proposed Ice Show date. Since we have a "real ice" rink (a barn basically, whatever temperature it is outside, it is inside, just without windchill) this was not good news for us. We managed to get photos done for the kids, but had to cancel lessons for the year and cancel our dress rehearsal. We weren't sure about the Ice Show happening at all, but we were able to rent ice time at a rink in a nearby town - obviously an artificial ice rink, which threw the kids for a loop when they first stepped on the ice!
We had to make a few changes to the night to cut back on ice and rink time (since we were paying for renting), but I think it still turned out very well.
Most importantly, the kids had fun and were able to show off all they've learned this year!
We got videos of all the kids routines (minus Levi, obviously, who doesn't skate yet).

Ruth - prefigure group "California Girl"
Ruth - small group "Yellow Polka Dot Bikini"
Isaac - small group "Surfin' Safari"
Ruth - solo "You Belong with Me"
Zech - power skating demo

(Bear with me as I'm trying to figure out a new way to share videos - using youtube instead of the other site I've used for years. I'll try to also add a link to our youtube account on the side of the blog... or get Josh to figure that out!)

On Sunday we bought a ring for me with Elliana's birthstone - amethyst. I don't know why, but I hadn't thought that shopping for it would mean I would be asked questions or have a chance to mention her. But the saleslady asked if it was my birthstone. I said "No, not mine. Our daughter was stillborn last month - it's hers." She took a breath and her eyes got wet. She reached out and touched my hand and said "I'm so sorry."
We carried on and I bought the ring. But it was so wonderful to be able to mention Elliana. To say "our daughter". To have someone see her with us.
I got the ring not to have anyone mention it or notice it, though that would be fine, but because I want to remind myself that I can keep her with me... I can carry her always, and I can move forward.



The only trouble with having it is that now Ruth wants something for herself to wear in memory. We have been planning to get her something, just haven't found the right thing yet. But we're working on that too.


A couple weeks ago a card came in the mail. It was from some of the moms from the "June 2012 due date group" I had been a part of.
Today we received this beautiful sculpture, commissioned by these mamas in memory of Elliana. It is breathtaking, bittersweet.



It was such odd timing, too. This morning Levi was hugging me and gave me a kiss. I said to Josh that's something that never gets old - feeling those little arms around your neck, feeling those tiny hands on your face. It hit me that I'll never get to feel Elliana's hugs or kisses... but I can imagine those tiny hands on my cheeks.
Just like this...

one month

One month ago today, at 7:10pm, our wee Elliana Lucy was stillborn.

One month ago today, we said hello and goodbye to our tiny baby girl.

One month ago today, our hearts were forever broken.

Sometimes it feels like it was a lifetime ago.

Sometimes it feels like we are still living in that day.

Tonight I lit a candle to remember our baby girl, our light.