3 years...

3 years ago, on February 7, 2012
we said hello and goodbye to a tiny baby girl

never far from our thoughts,
forever in our hearts

Elliana Lucy

2 years...

2 years ago today we said "hello" and "goodbye" all too soon to our baby girl, Elliana Lucy.
Today we have pink tulips to remember her, and we'll light her candle and have cupcakes for dessert tonight.

This year, this week leading up to her birthday has been harder than last year. I don't know why, exactly.
It doesn't get easier, living without her, missing her. It changes, but it's not easier, just different.

Elliana's day

One year ago, we said hello and goodbye to our littlest baby girl, Elliana Lucy.
Today, we celebrated her birthday with tulips and pink cupcakes - because, like Zech said this morning, "We all get cupcakes on our birthday". The kids sang "happy birthday" to her, even Levi. There were a few tears shed as we remembered our time with our special little girl.
It was a busy day, too, with school for the kids and work for Josh. Levi and I worked made Elli's cupcakes and worked on some valentine's decorations. Then the boys had a mini-sticks (hockey) game at the rink tonight.
But that was all okay. We have learned that life does go on, though sometimes it's hard, but we always remember Elliana even on the busy days.
I realized something the other day, too, as I thought about decorating a bit for valentine's - for Zech, we always wait until his birthday and party are done to decorate for halloween, then everything comes down and we wait for Ruth's birthday and party stuff to be finished before putting anything up for Christmas. But for Elli... well, pink and hearts and love... that's pretty perfect decorations for her day.

5 months

the 7th marked 5 months since elliana was born still.
another month further away from that tiny girl.

this one has somehow been a bit tougher than the previous months.
i think because the 7th's that have passed so far i've been able to think - i would still just be pregnant. now i have to think - she would be here now, living, breathing, with us.

and i think also because this one is just different. this one marks a specific month.
she has been gone 5 months.
and she was only here 5 months.
today, she has been gone from us longer than she was with us.

4 months and her due date

Elliana was not forgotten this past week, although I was away for her due date (June 5th) and travelling home on June 7th (4 months since she was born).
She was not forgotten by my Gram either - her birth date was written in Gram's bible. She was even included in Gram's funeral, along with Myrna Jean (Gram's baby girl who lived only 24 hours), in the flowers we chose.

3 months

Today it has been 3 months since Elliana was born.

It has been a melancholy day. Even reflected in the weather which has been cloudy, gray, and rainy all day. There has been no sunshine today.

We should be starting to get things set up, washed, ready for her impending arrival. Excited and anticipatory.
Instead, I will light her candle tonight. A tiny flame to remind us of that tiny "light", taken far too soon.

stress, bathroom renos, and a visitor - 4.25

You know the saying "it doesn't rain, but it pours"?
It's true.
 After dealing with Elliana's death and birth (still dealing with it, always dealing with it in some ways) my Grammie is sick and in hospital. There's talk of moving her to a manor. I am sad that she is so sick, not able to do everything she wants to. I am sad she had to leave her home, something she hoped would never happen. I am sad that we are not closer, that we can't visit and I can't be there to help out.
I should be honest with myself. She isn't sick. She is dying. There isn't any getting better from this. I just wish I was there to see her. I wish she could see Levi - she was able to see the older 3 a few years ago when we were there, but hasn't ever seen Levi in person.

Adding to the fun of stress, yesterday Josh had an appointment and Zech had karate, while Ruth and Isaac had gymnastics. Josh picked up Zech from school and went to town, we got ready and went the opposite direction. I checked my phone when we got settled at the gym - 3 missed calls and a text from Josh saying "i need you to call me". So I did, of course.
We haven't heard the estimate yet, and don't know all the damage, but we do know that the rear wheel bearings are shot. Waiting on the estimate to see if it's worth fixing or not - the car is really on its last legs anyway, so we can't spend too much to fix it.
So, after gymnastics, instead of coming home for supper, we had to drive past our house to town to pick up Josh and Zech. Made for a long day and a late night. And much more stress on top of everything else.

You know, 2012 really sucks. I mean, so far anyway. I'm not sure there's anything that can happen to make up for how horrible it's been. I do hope it doesn't get worse. And I hope 2013 is a better, brighter year.


We are finally done the bathroom... almost. I've always heard that once you start a renovation you'll find these extra things that need to be done. So very true. But we're getting there. I can't believe the money it's taken for the smallest room in our house though! It will be funny to repaint the living room - the biggest room and it will cost less than the smallest!
But we're nearly there now. We've only got one edge of the tub (we're framing the surround) to get done. We would all ready be done it except the 3 tiles that we'd planned on working with and leaving decided to fall apart and off the wall while we were hammering nails on that wall. So, now the piece we'd measured and bought is, obviously, too short for that spot! And we'll have a bit of painting to do from that bit of mudding and sanding.
Then it's just a few touch-up spots, and the baseboards/trim still need to be painted (Josh is planning to get some paint and do an area at a time - I can't handle taping off and painting everything again right away!). And we need to find something for window covering in there. We've found tons of roman blinds in tan and beige and dark wood colors... but no luck finding a white one yet... which we want because the others are white. No huge rush on that though, the window isn't easily peeped into; you'd have to be really trying, to see anything.
We still haven't tackled the sink and vanity, or the doors and the floor. But we'll save that for another tax return time. For now, it looks a lot better in there. No more pink walls! And a new light fixture changes the look tremendously!

Just for the record, I'd much rather have what we were supposed to have right now - a big, bordering on huge, belly and awaiting the birth of a baby - instead of a freshly painted and nice looking bathroom... but, it is what it is.
There are many more good days than bad now. The kids mention Elliana, there's no doubt that they remember her and everything that's happened. But we talk about her and then continue on with our day.
I still haven't gotten a shelf put up for her things. I feel bad about that, like I'm not doing everything I can or should as her mommy.
You know, I think it's harder being mommy to a dead baby than for the living ones. There's not nearly so many chances to do things for her, in her memory. And what if we mess them up? We can't exactly get a redo or do better the next time.


In much happier news, Josh's brother, Mat, arrived last night. He's staying with us for a bit before going to Regina to rehearse for a production. We'll be dog-sitting for him while he rehearses. Everyone is excited to visit with Uncle Mat and Blue!

Speaking of plays, Josh is done with the town play - this is a very good thing! It's lovely not to have him gone to rehearsals all the time, missing bedtimes with the kids. I wasn't able to go see it, but I've heard that it went well and people enjoyed it.
Ruth is just about done with her school play as well. This afternoon they have a final dress rehearsal, with kids from a nearby school coming to watch, and tomorrow evening is the real deal. She's so happy that Uncle Mat is able to be here for it.

with days like these... - 04/14

We had to go to town today for some errands. Things seemed off to an okay start - everyone up at a decent time, fed and ready to go. We packed up and got in the van... only to find we had no keys. 2 sets between us and both sets in the house... doors locked. There is a spare key, but it hasn't made it outside - not much help. After walking around the house trying windows and doors, we ended up ripping out the screen in the bathroom window - it was torn and needed to be replaced anyway, now we definitely have to replace it! Josh lowered Zech through the window into the house, he unlocked the door right away. No harm done. Not including the window screen.
We pile back into the van and set off for town. Running errands here and there, including getting some new screen and a few supplies to replace some in the windows (including the bathroom!), and grabbing some paint samples to think on (finally getting the bathroom fixed up a bit).
We stopped at the medical clinic a bit before their closing time for Josh to get a new prescription for his nasal spray - something to help his snoring, thank goodness. The kids and I sat in the van and waited, Levi napping. When Josh came out, he got in and turned the key. Nothing. Nothing. And more nothing. The van wouldn't start, battery dead. A older man in a truck pulled in beside us - he checked, but didn't have his cables in the truck. We sat for a few minutes but noone else was around. We called a tow truck company and waited for one to arrive. Another older man came out of the clinic and got into one of the last vehicles in the parking lot. Josh jumped out of the van and asked the man about a boost. The man said he wasn't sure he had cables in his truck, but checked anyway. After a few minutes looking he did find them! A quick call to the tow company to let them know not to come after all (they seemed surprised about this - is that not normal to do?), a little rearranging of vehicles to reach batteries, and the van was running. We thanked the gentleman many times, the kids all yelled thank you. He said "That's what we're here for, to help each other, right?" It's nice to meet people like that.
So a day of errand-running turned into a very very long day. But we made it through and home, safe and sound.

While we were checking out somewhere the cashier commented that we had "a handful". Josh replied "Almost, but we're missing one."
Yes, we sure are. Always, every day. ♥

But this kid always makes us smile and laugh, every day. There's no holding back around him. He's adorable and so sweet.
But he needs a little work with markers!


For the record, those markers are not washable. I mean, the box says they are. But they aren't. The kid was marked up a for a good few days after this! And I know the box says crayons - we were smart enough to take the markers away before taking pictures... just not smart enough to keep them out of reach in the first place!

two months - 03/07

Two months ago today our Elliana Lucy was born. We said goodbye to our tiny baby girl after far too little time together.
There are pink tulips in our house this weekend. I know ours isn't the only house with them to remember.
Tonight we lit her candle. I will let it burn until we say goodnight; to remember those hours with our little light.

On Sunday we bought a ring for me with Elliana's birthstone - amethyst. I don't know why, but I hadn't thought that shopping for it would mean I would be asked questions or have a chance to mention her. But the saleslady asked if it was my birthstone. I said "No, not mine. Our daughter was stillborn last month - it's hers." She took a breath and her eyes got wet. She reached out and touched my hand and said "I'm so sorry."
We carried on and I bought the ring. But it was so wonderful to be able to mention Elliana. To say "our daughter". To have someone see her with us.
I got the ring not to have anyone mention it or notice it, though that would be fine, but because I want to remind myself that I can keep her with me... I can carry her always, and I can move forward.



The only trouble with having it is that now Ruth wants something for herself to wear in memory. We have been planning to get her something, just haven't found the right thing yet. But we're working on that too.


A couple weeks ago a card came in the mail. It was from some of the moms from the "June 2012 due date group" I had been a part of.
Today we received this beautiful sculpture, commissioned by these mamas in memory of Elliana. It is breathtaking, bittersweet.



It was such odd timing, too. This morning Levi was hugging me and gave me a kiss. I said to Josh that's something that never gets old - feeling those little arms around your neck, feeling those tiny hands on your face. It hit me that I'll never get to feel Elliana's hugs or kisses... but I can imagine those tiny hands on my cheeks.
Just like this...

one month

One month ago today, at 7:10pm, our wee Elliana Lucy was stillborn.

One month ago today, we said hello and goodbye to our tiny baby girl.

One month ago today, our hearts were forever broken.

Sometimes it feels like it was a lifetime ago.

Sometimes it feels like we are still living in that day.

Tonight I lit a candle to remember our baby girl, our light.

Elliana's quilt

Between our church service and Elliana's memorial service, one of the ladies from our church came over to me and gave me this. She said she wasn't sure if it was okay to make, but she felt like she needed to, like she was supposed to make this for Elliana, for us.

All five of my babies.

Together.

And tiny footprints.

Elliana's memorial service

We held a memorial service for Elliana on Sunday (26th) at our church. It was a really hard day, not a day we ever dreamed of having to plan or go through for one of our babies. I am glad we had it though; both for her, honoring her life, acknowledging that she was here and will always be a part of our family, and for us and our friends. Many tears were shed, many hugs were given. But Elliana was remembered and is loved.

We set some things on a table to share with everyone. We had an album printed with some of her photos, the little plaque I wanted, flowers, her doll (made by our dear friend), and her footprints page (like we have for all our babies). I had forgotten to take Josh's camera so I don't have a picture of the table, but we have her flowers around the house.

pink tulips remind us of Elliana

pink roses were a gift

Josh and I both wanted to speak at her service. We didn't know if we would be able to until we were there. It was so hard, but we both spoke. I'm so glad we did.

Josh spoke first:

I don't know your voice.

I'll never hear your laugh.

I will never hold your hand as we walk together.

I won't see your first day of school.

I'll miss taking you to dance, or gymnastics, or anywhere.

I'll never hold you in my arms again.

You'll never be hurt, but I don't get to comfort you.

You'll never disobey, but I don't get to correct you.

You'll always be my daughter, but I have to wait to be your father.

There are so many things I still dream of doing with you,

but I know I will never get the chance.

 I don't even know the color of your eyes.

"The notes have been about myself, and about [her], and about God. In that order. The order and the proportions exactly what they ought not to have been. And I see that I have nowhere fallen into that mode of thinking about either which we call praiding them. Yet that would have been best for me. Praise if the mode of love which always has some element of joy in it. Praise in due order; of Him as the giver, of her as the gift. Don't we in praise somehow enjoy what we praise, however far we are from it? I must do more of this. I have lost the fruition I once had of [her]. And I am far, far away in the valley of my unlikeness, from the fruition which, if His mercies are infinite, I may some time have of God. But by praising I can still, in some degree, enjoy her, and all ready, in some degree, enjoy Him."

-A Grief Obeserved, C.S. Lewis

I spoke after Josh:

Psalm 139 v.13-16

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

This is not a day I ever imagined for our baby girl.

I wish we could share Elliana with you all. I wish you could hold her close and kiss her little head. But all we have are pictures and tiny footprints.

I wish you all could know her like I did. She grew inside me for five months. She lived inside me. You watched my belly swell with her life. There were hopes and dreams of her future. But I knew her.

 I know she was beautiful. She looked like her brothers and sister - she had her big sister's eyebrows and all ready had dark hair.

I know she liked her space - when I would bend over or push up against a counter she would shove right back.

but I know she liked to cuddle - when Levi would fall asleep on me she would lay against him.

I know she knew my voice - when I spoke she moved and rolled.

and I know she was daddy's girl - when anyone else touched her she would wiggle away, but when he touched her she pushed herself back against his hand.

I wish we knew so much more about her.

I wish we knew the color of her eyes.

I wish I knew what her cry would sound like, and her laugh.

I wish I could see her smile.

"Sometimes love is for a moment.

Sometimes love is for a lifetime.

and sometimes, a moment is a lifetime."

2.20

Elliana's ashes arrived today. They are in a pretty little box.

This is not the way I'd imagined her coming home with us.

2.19

We made this insert, for Elliana's memorial service, for our church bulletin. It was in the bulletin for church this morning.

We found a little plaque with a quote the other day, while walking around the mall. Today we stopped and picked it up. I want to have it on the table for Elliana's service, along with the other things we've chosen, and it will be on or hung near her shelf in our house.

"Sometimes the smallest things

take up the most room

in your heart."

~winnie-the-pooh

Elliana Lucy - 2 .7 .12

Elliana Lucy Baker

stillborn at 23 weeks
Feb 7, 2012, at 7:10pm.

5.6oz, 8.25in

Josh and I spent some time with her alone just after she was born.
Precious time with our tiny baby girl.

Our parents and all the children were able to come in to spend some time with her a few hours later.

It was so hard, but we are so grateful they had this time - to hold their baby sister, to shower her with love and kisses and tears.

They love her so much.

Elliana means "the Lord has responded". Lucy means "light".

Our little girl reminds us every day that "the Lord has responded with light". 

This wee girl, with her big feet and dimple chin, has forever changed our hearts and lives. We love you, Baby Elli.