Elliana's memorial service

We held a memorial service for Elliana on Sunday (26th) at our church. It was a really hard day, not a day we ever dreamed of having to plan or go through for one of our babies. I am glad we had it though; both for her, honoring her life, acknowledging that she was here and will always be a part of our family, and for us and our friends. Many tears were shed, many hugs were given. But Elliana was remembered and is loved.

We set some things on a table to share with everyone. We had an album printed with some of her photos, the little plaque I wanted, flowers, her doll (made by our dear friend), and her footprints page (like we have for all our babies). I had forgotten to take Josh's camera so I don't have a picture of the table, but we have her flowers around the house.

pink tulips remind us of Elliana

pink roses were a gift

Josh and I both wanted to speak at her service. We didn't know if we would be able to until we were there. It was so hard, but we both spoke. I'm so glad we did.

Josh spoke first:

I don't know your voice.

I'll never hear your laugh.

I will never hold your hand as we walk together.

I won't see your first day of school.

I'll miss taking you to dance, or gymnastics, or anywhere.

I'll never hold you in my arms again.

You'll never be hurt, but I don't get to comfort you.

You'll never disobey, but I don't get to correct you.

You'll always be my daughter, but I have to wait to be your father.

There are so many things I still dream of doing with you,

but I know I will never get the chance.

 I don't even know the color of your eyes.

"The notes have been about myself, and about [her], and about God. In that order. The order and the proportions exactly what they ought not to have been. And I see that I have nowhere fallen into that mode of thinking about either which we call praiding them. Yet that would have been best for me. Praise if the mode of love which always has some element of joy in it. Praise in due order; of Him as the giver, of her as the gift. Don't we in praise somehow enjoy what we praise, however far we are from it? I must do more of this. I have lost the fruition I once had of [her]. And I am far, far away in the valley of my unlikeness, from the fruition which, if His mercies are infinite, I may some time have of God. But by praising I can still, in some degree, enjoy her, and all ready, in some degree, enjoy Him."

-A Grief Obeserved, C.S. Lewis

I spoke after Josh:

Psalm 139 v.13-16

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

This is not a day I ever imagined for our baby girl.

I wish we could share Elliana with you all. I wish you could hold her close and kiss her little head. But all we have are pictures and tiny footprints.

I wish you all could know her like I did. She grew inside me for five months. She lived inside me. You watched my belly swell with her life. There were hopes and dreams of her future. But I knew her.

 I know she was beautiful. She looked like her brothers and sister - she had her big sister's eyebrows and all ready had dark hair.

I know she liked her space - when I would bend over or push up against a counter she would shove right back.

but I know she liked to cuddle - when Levi would fall asleep on me she would lay against him.

I know she knew my voice - when I spoke she moved and rolled.

and I know she was daddy's girl - when anyone else touched her she would wiggle away, but when he touched her she pushed herself back against his hand.

I wish we knew so much more about her.

I wish we knew the color of her eyes.

I wish I knew what her cry would sound like, and her laugh.

I wish I could see her smile.

"Sometimes love is for a moment.

Sometimes love is for a lifetime.

and sometimes, a moment is a lifetime."