Elliana's quilt

Between our church service and Elliana's memorial service, one of the ladies from our church came over to me and gave me this. She said she wasn't sure if it was okay to make, but she felt like she needed to, like she was supposed to make this for Elliana, for us.

All five of my babies.
And tiny footprints.

Elliana's memorial service

We held a memorial service for Elliana on Sunday (26th) at our church. It was a really hard day, not a day we ever dreamed of having to plan or go through for one of our babies. I am glad we had it though; both for her, honoring her life, acknowledging that she was here and will always be a part of our family, and for us and our friends. Many tears were shed, many hugs were given. But Elliana was remembered and is loved.

We set some things on a table to share with everyone. We had an album printed with some of her photos, the little plaque I wanted, flowers, her doll (made by our dear friend), and her footprints page (like we have for all our babies). I had forgotten to take Josh's camera so I don't have a picture of the table, but we have her flowers around the house.
pink tulips remind us of Elliana

pink roses were a gift

Josh and I both wanted to speak at her service. We didn't know if we would be able to until we were there. It was so hard, but we both spoke. I'm so glad we did.

Josh spoke first:
I don't know your voice.
I'll never hear your laugh.
I will never hold your hand as we walk together.

I won't see your first day of school.
I'll miss taking you to dance, or gymnastics, or anywhere.
I'll never hold you in my arms again.

You'll never be hurt, but I don't get to comfort you.
You'll never disobey, but I don't get to correct you.
You'll always be my daughter, but I have to wait to be your father.

There are so many things I still dream of doing with you,
but I know I will never get the chance.
 I don't even know the color of your eyes.

"The notes have been about myself, and about [her], and about God. In that order. The order and the proportions exactly what they ought not to have been. And I see that I have nowhere fallen into that mode of thinking about either which we call praiding them. Yet that would have been best for me. Praise if the mode of love which always has some element of joy in it. Praise in due order; of Him as the giver, of her as the gift. Don't we in praise somehow enjoy what we praise, however far we are from it? I must do more of this. I have lost the fruition I once had of [her]. And I am far, far away in the valley of my unlikeness, from the fruition which, if His mercies are infinite, I may some time have of God. But by praising I can still, in some degree, enjoy her, and all ready, in some degree, enjoy Him."
-A Grief Obeserved, C.S. Lewis

I spoke after Josh:
Psalm 139 v.13-16
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

This is not a day I ever imagined for our baby girl.

I wish we could share Elliana with you all. I wish you could hold her close and kiss her little head. But all we have are pictures and tiny footprints.
I wish you all could know her like I did. She grew inside me for five months. She lived inside me. You watched my belly swell with her life. There were hopes and dreams of her future. But I knew her.

 I know she was beautiful. She looked like her brothers and sister - she had her big sister's eyebrows and all ready had dark hair.
I know she liked her space - when I would bend over or push up against a counter she would shove right back.
but I know she liked to cuddle - when Levi would fall asleep on me she would lay against him.
I know she knew my voice - when I spoke she moved and rolled.
and I know she was daddy's girl - when anyone else touched her she would wiggle away, but when he touched her she pushed herself back against his hand.

I wish we knew so much more about her.
I wish we knew the color of her eyes.
I wish I knew what her cry would sound like, and her laugh.
I wish I could see her smile.

"Sometimes love is for a moment.
Sometimes love is for a lifetime.
and sometimes, a moment is a lifetime."



Elliana's ashes arrived today. They are in a pretty little box.
This is not the way I'd imagined her coming home with us.



We made this insert, for Elliana's memorial service, for our church bulletin. It was in the bulletin for church this morning.

We found a little plaque with a quote the other day, while walking around the mall. Today we stopped and picked it up. I want to have it on the table for Elliana's service, along with the other things we've chosen, and it will be on or hung near her shelf in our house.

"Sometimes the smallest things
take up the most room
in your heart."


Elliana Lucy - 2 .7 .12

Elliana Lucy Baker

stillborn at 23 weeks

Feb 7, 2012, at 7:10pm.
5.6oz, 8.25in

Josh and I spent some time with her alone just after she was born.
Precious time with our tiny baby girl.

Our parents and all the children were able to come in to spend some time with her a few hours later.
It was so hard, but we are so grateful they had this time - to hold their baby sister, to shower her with love and kisses and tears.
They love her so much.

Elliana means "the Lord has responded". Lucy means "light".
Our little girl reminds us every day that "the Lord has responded with light". 

This wee girl, with her big feet and dimple chin, has forever changed our hearts and lives. We love you, Baby Elli.



Our appointment yesterday did not go at all as we hoped or anticipated.
Our baby girl's heart has stopped beating.
We go back to the city on Tuesday (will be going in on Monday and staying over) for induction.



Happy Groundhog's Day - apparently our local (Winnipeg) groundhog says spring is coming early. Not surprising... considering we've had very little winter as it is!
We're getting things together and packed for tomorrow. We need prayers to get through the day - all of us. An early start for us all, though Ruth and Zech will be going to school they'll be dropped off at school very early and not coming home afterwards, the younger boys will be at our friends' house, and we'll be driving 3 hours each way.
And that's not mentioning the actual appointment, which we need prayer for as well. We'll be having more ultrasounds (can't wait to see our little girl again!) - we are praying constantly for more miracles and are praying to see some change in her limbs (position or movement, or both!) during the ultrasounds. And they'll be doing the amniocentesis tomorrow as well - I've not had one before, and while I'm not scared of needles, I am nervous about it overall. Not only the actual amnio and its possible risks, but I'm scared of getting the results. I know we need to. We need to know what's happening with her so we can best prepare things for her birth. But this is still scary.
We probably won't be getting any results tomorrow - our bloodwork most likely won't be back yet, and obviously the amnio will take a good few weeks for results - but I do hope to get things a bit more figured out as to what we're going to need to do. What appointments and where, for me and her both. We need to get a good idea so we can make some better plans for the older kids. But we'll know more after we get there, see how things are going, and talk more to the doctors.
I'll update with whatever we find out as soon as I can. Keep praying for more miracles!


a few pictures - 02/01

We're getting by here. Just biding our time until my next appt in the city on Friday. We've managed to find places for all the kids to go that day - it'll be an early start and a long day for all, but Ruth and Zech will be able to go to school for the day then to friends' houses after school, the younger boys will go to our friends' house and possibly to their daughter's dance that evening - depending on what time we get back. My appt is at 10:30am, so we're planning to be out of the house at 7am - like I said it'll be an early start for us all. But with my appt earlier, we're hoping to be out of the city come mid-afternoon. Of course I'll update with what we find out about the baby.

I've only taken a few pictures lately, but they're cute ones!
Levi climbed up on the couch and fell asleep like this - guess it was naptime!

Josh and I cleaned out the TV box this week - got rid of all the styrofoam and whatnot, leaving it to fill with cardboard for recycling - but Levi decided this was more fun than filling it back up!

He played in there - with no toys! - for an hour

this was his favorite game - BOO!

and I've been taking belly pictures this pregnancy, just like I did with Isaac and Levi - I'm so much more glad I have been, with everything else going on. These are memories of our time with this little girl, even if we're watching her grow by my expanding waistline!
This is us at 20 weeks...